Over the years, conflict has developed quite a name for itself. Whether we’re describing combat initiatives, emotionally-charged social issues or interoffice politics, the word ‘conflict’ always makes an appearance. We’ve been conditioned to believe that conflict is not only counter-productive, but in its most extreme manifestation can be destructive and even deadly. As a result many of us avoid conflict (and its cousins ‘friction’ and ‘tension’) at all costs. We might do this through actual avoidance or we may be overly accommodating to other peoples’ needs/wants in order to prevent any further disruption. Neither of these responses produce healthy outcomes in the long run. It’s time we stop running from conflict and start embracing it! That’s right, I said EMBRACE it. Why? Because despite the bad rap that conflict’s been carrying around for thousands of years, it actually plays a fundamental role in creating real change, meaningful growth and success at the highest level. I say it’s time for a rebranding initiative. Let’s bring our thoughts on conflict into the current era and replace fear with empowerment.

 

 

CONFLICT: A 21st Century Approach

Shift #1 – Conflict is Natural.

Let me break this down 8th grade science-style with a quick recap of thermal dynamics. I promise this will all make sense in a minute… As Mr. Pitsley (my junior high science teacher) explained it, when two surfaces rub against each other they create friction. Friction converts the kinetic energy of movement into thermal energy – heat. If you’ve ever rubbed your hands together because they were cold or tried to start a fire with two sticks then you know what I’m talking about. Heat energy can be very powerful. We us it to thrust rocket engines towards the sky, we use it to make electricity and we use it to keep ourselves alive. Conflict plays a role similar to friction when it comes to our personal relationships. It creates tension, which creates energy, which creates movement. Without conflict, we would maintain the status quo. While the rest of the world charged forward, we would keep doing what we’ve always done until one day we’re no longer relevant.

Shift #2 – Conflict doesn’t have to be Scary.

I’m not saying that conflict is easy or even comfortable, but it doesn’t have to be scary. The reason we are fearful of confrontation is because our emotions and the responses of others involved can interfere with a desirable outcome. While we can’t control how others will react, we can take steps to put our own emotions in check prior to confronting an issue. You see, our perceptions about the people we are interacting with – their personalities, their beliefs, their motives, their goals – are what drive our emotional responses. For example, let’s say you have a coworker that points out errors in your work. If you think they are doing it because they want to prove that they know more than you do, then you may be offended or put-off by their actions and are likely to respond with anger or frustration. Conversely, if you have a good relationship with this coworker and you think they are pointing out your errors so that you can become more proficient in your job then you are more likely to welcome the feedback and view it as a training exercise – possibly even thanking them in the process! In both situations the facts were the same – a coworker points out errors in your work. The thing that influenced your emotional reaction to this situation was your perception of the coworker’s personality and perceived motives; NOT the facts. Learning to separate actual facts from the story you tell yourself about those facts will give you more control over your reaction to the situation and lead to more productive (and less scary) interactions. The more often you do this, the easier these conflicts will be to manage.

Shift #3 – Conflict is a Prerequisite for Success.

High performing teams don’t become that way overnight. We would probably all agree that it takes the right mix of people, talent, timing and focus to function at this level. But another variable that is often not given the credit it deserves is the ability to work through adversity. It’s not the absence of adversity. It’s not avoiding the natural tension that crops up when people care about a cause and about each other. Struggles, friction…conflict are what push us to dig deeper, go harder. It’s the setbacks that force us to either renew our commitment and step it up or throw our hands up and walk away. In group dynamic speak this is called the ‘storming’ phase of team development, but if you survive it – or better yet, transcend it – you go from good to great. Conflict creates the disruption that shakes us up, wakes us up. We can either choose to embrace it and use the energy created by this friction to propel us forward or we can resist and avoid, allowing the heat to consume us.